Now get me cream
by Swimmingly Yours
Summary: One-shot, short, in memory of Sirius Black. Sirius and Snape have an interesting little discussion in the kitchen of the Noble House of Black. there's revelations, a little slash (but it's not serious at all) and a screaming feather duster.


_¡°I would like you all, please, to stand, and raise your glasses, to Cedric Diggory.__¡±_ - Professor Albus Dumbledore, in GOF. 

In turn, I would like you, the readers, to put to use your reading glasses, and read on, to Sirius Black.

*I don¡¯t own the characters. I own the depressing (no, not really this time actually) story I put them in.*

____________________________________________ Now get me cream 

¡°My, my, what is this I see? Sirius Black, in a kitchen?¡±

Sirius turned around to see no other than the sneering Severus Snape looking down at him from the doorway to the kitchen. He scowled, and straightened up, staring at Snape directly in the eye.

¡°_Snivellus_,¡± he responded coldly.

Snape¡¯s eyes narrowed. ¡°I see you¡¯ve been, er, cleaning?¡±

Sirius realised that he was holding a pink feather duster that he had been using to clean out a cupboard under the sink. Hastily, he shoved it into a not-yet-cleaned cupboard and shut the door. 

¡°Um¡­ yes, I was cleaning.¡± He nodded, his hands locked together behind his back. Suddenly, a loud screeching sound came from inside the cupboard - the duster was magicked to make a noise whenever it encountered a lot of dust, but being a product Arthur Weasley had picked up from his raids, it wasn¡¯t spelled very well, so that sometimes it kept screeching even when it had been taken to a clean place.

This was such a time, Sirius realised, when he removed the duster from the cupboard and placed it on the counter. It continued to yell, and no matter how hard Sirius tried to beat off the dirt that had become stuck on the feathers, he couldn¡¯t get it to stop.

¡°WHY - DON¡¯T - YOU - SHUT - IT - UP?!¡± yelled Snape over the noise.

¡°WHAT?!¡± Sirius, continuing to beat the duster against the kitchen wall, could not hear him.

Snape mimed closing his mouth when he waved an imaginary wand in the air, but Sirius thought that he was stating that he was hungry, so he yelled back, ¡°Can¡¯t you see I¡¯m extremely busy?¡±

Snape rolled his eyes, and helped himself to a seat, watching Sirius¡¯ fruitless attempts to silence the feather duster. The duster was putting up quite a fuss. Snape thought sneeringly that only a _Muggle_ product would be so uncontrollable.

Finally, after what seemed like a millennium, the feather duster stopped screaming. Sirius, not sure if it had been because he had finally gotten it to work properly or that Crookshanks the cat, who had just come into the kitchen, was eyeing it hungrily, sat down opposite Snape at the table.

¡°So¡­¡± said Sirius, watching Snape as he took a bite of his crumpet. During the time it had taken for the duster to calm down, Snape had obviously helped himself to the food in the kitchen.

¡°So indeed, Black,¡± replied Snape. ¡°So where is everyone? Surely someone must have heard your antics with the duster - unless it is too common a sight for them to be concerned about?¡±

Sirius bit back the urge to say something really nasty to Snape, as he knew that there was no-one lese in the house to find him and Snape¡¯s dead bodies once they started duelling, so instead, he said, ¡°It¡¯s only me and Kreacher here at the moment. And Buckbeak. The Weasleys and Hermione went back to the Burrow for more disinfectants.¡±

¡°So, er, how is your¡­ life going?¡± Asked Snape, and Sirius could detect a slight hint of sarcasm in his tone.

¡°It¡¯s going fine,¡± Sirius said warily, eyeing Snape.

Snape took another sip of his tea.

Sirius continued to watch him.

Snape took a bite of his third crumpet and Sirius couldn¡¯t stand the silence any longer. 

¡°What did you come for, Snape?¡± Sirius asked.

Snape rolled his eyes. ¡°Why else would I be here? I have news for the Order, of course. Do you think I ENJOY coming to this place? I mean, with _you_ here and all - ¡±

¡°Hey, watch it!¡± Sirius began to rise from the table. ¡°This is my house, and you are a guest here, so watch your mouth!¡±

¡°Calm _down_, Black,¡± snapped Snape, wiping off Sirius¡¯ spit from his face, ¡°I don¡¯t like you, and you don¡¯t like me but - ¡± Snape paused ¡° - well, you might like me but I certainly do not like you, but we have to compromise if you want to hear what I¡¯ve got so say, which I¡¯m sure you¡¯ll want to.¡±

Sirius frowned. Did Snape just say ¡®compromise¡¯? Since when did Snape compromise with him? And did he really just refuse Sirius¡¯ ¡®offer¡¯ to a fight? Snape _was_ acting weird¡­ maybe he wanted something, but maybe it was something worse, like -

¡°Snape, are you under the Imperius Curse?¡± asked Sirius, eyeing him suspiciously.

¡°No, Black,¡± he said, sounding tired and bored, ¡°I am _not_ under the Imperius Curse, I do _not_ have an alter ego and I¡¯m _not_ trying to be nice to you so I can have sex with you.¡±

This last part disturbed Sirius greatly. ¡°Argh!¡± he cried, jumping in his chair, backing away from Snape. Remus, maybe, James, bless his soul, almost definitely, but Snape?

¡°No way!¡± yelled Sirius.

¡°Look, Black, do you want to hear the news or not?¡± Snape asked, annoyed.

¡°Alright,¡± Sirius replied, taking a few deep breaths. Even if Snape tried anything, he could just turn into a dog, then all would be good. ¡°What is it?¡±

¡°Didn¡¯t you hear me earlier, Black, I said _compromise._¡±

Sirius relaxed a bit. Maybe Snape really wasn¡¯t being nice to him for¡­ that reason. Still, he prepared to change into his Animagus form in case anything _did _happen.

¡°So what do you want?¡± asked Sirius.

Snape began to rub his arms unconsciously. ¡°I want some of Arthur Weasley¡¯s Muggle cream stuff. Lately I haven¡¯t been able to do much with my arms injured, and that stuff really helps sooth cuts and bruises.¡±

¡°How did you get injured?¡± Maybe Snape had become insane - well, more insane than before - and had started to do crazy things, like fighting with Chimaeras. Maybe Sirius¡¯ dog form wouldn¡¯t even offer him any protection¡­

¡°Never you mind,¡± snapped Snape., ¡°the point is, I want you to get me that cream.¡±

¡°Why can¡¯t you just get it yourself?¡±

Snape looked shocked. ¡°Me, ask a Muggle lover for Muggle products?¡± he exclaimed, ¡°I will be the laughing stock of the wizarding world! Me, Severus Snape? Me, the Potions Master of Hogwarts? Me, who has the potential to become ruler of the universe? Me - ¡±

¡°Alright, I get the point!¡± said Sirius, holding up has hands.

¡°So you have to get the cream for me.¡±

Sirius considered. ¡°All right then.¡±

When Sirius didn¡¯t get up to find cream for him, Snape asked, ¡°What are you waiting for? Go get me the cream!¡±

¡°No, you tell me this news of yours first.¡±

¡°Cream.¡±

¡°News.¡±

¡°_Cream_.¡±

¡°_News_.¡±

¡°CREAM!¡±

¡°No, NEWS!¡±

¡°Fine then!¡± Snape got up and started pacing, Sirius¡¯ expectant eyes following him around.

¡°I heard that Voldemort is planning a mass break-out for the ¡®faithful¡¯ Death Eaters in Azkaban. The ones locked up in maximum security, including your cousin, Bellatrix Lestrange.¡± Snape turned to face Sirius. ¡°Now get me cream.¡±

Sirius snorted. ¡°Is _that_ all? Where have you been Snape, we¡¯ve been discussing Azkaban breakouts for months now. I didn¡¯t think that even you would be so stupid as not having remembered it.¡±

¡°That¡¯s not what I meant. What I¡¯m saying is that though Bellatrix Lestrange is your cousin, she¡¯s not going to show any mercy on you because, well, let¡¯s face it, you don¡¯t fit in - ¡±

¡°You don¡¯t say,¡± muttered Sirius, looking around the gloomy kitchen.

¡°So I am warning you,¡± Snape continued, ¡°That your life is in danger.¡±

Sirius let out a laugh. ¡°My life is in danger? Now there¡¯s an understatement. In case you haven¡¯t realised, I¡¯m one of the most wanted wizards in the world, I have thirteen murders next to my name, and I can¡¯t be caught because then I¡¯ll be rewarded with a Dementor¡¯s Kiss. Adding a crazy cousin to that¡¯s not going to make any difference.¡±

¡°Fine, laugh about it, ignore what I just said,¡± Snape glared at Sirius and shrugged into his travelling cloak. ¡°Don¡¯t blame me later when she¡¯s killed you.¡± He turned to go, muttering under his breath, ¡°People these days¡­¡±

Sirius watched him leave, stifling a laugh at the pink feather that had lodged itself on Snape¡¯s cloak. ¡°Goodbye, Snivellus!¡± he yelled, ¡°Careful with injured arms of yours!¡± But soon after he disappeared from sight, Sirius heard a cat¡¯s yowl, a thud, a cry of pain, screeching, and a woman¡¯s voice -

¡°Filthy traitors! The scum that¡¯s polluting my air!¡±

¡°Great Merlin,¡± said Sirius, dashing to his feet. ¡°Mother!¡±

__________________________

That¡¯s the first one-shot I¡¯ve written in quite a while. Hope you liked it, and please review. All Sirius lovers, the last request is for you. And don¡¯t worry, I don¡¯t think that Snape and Sirius should go together¡­ I¡¯m just a little influenced towards slash at the moment, that¡¯s all¡­


End file.
